


a most sensible arrangement

by Idris



Category: Temeraire - Naomi Novik
Genre: Character Turned Into Vampire, Crack, Gen, Humor, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-16
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-09 03:02:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1966512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idris/pseuds/Idris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Human captains only live for a fraction of a dragon’s life. Luckily, Iskierka has things well in hand. Run far, Granby, run fast. </p><p>Total crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a most sensible arrangement

**Author's Note:**

> Granby seems to be suffering from the strange delusion that Iskierka is going to outlive him. Silly boy. Iskierka gets shit done. She ain't having nothing happen to her Granby, no way. Well, nothing that she hasn't arranged herself, anyway. 
> 
> RUN, BOYS, RUN

“It was quite simple, really,” Iskierka says smugly, examining her talons with a critical eye. “You cannot think that _I_ would leave such things to chance.”

Granby stares at her in numb horror. “So you… you…”

“The Count was very obliging,” Temeraire interjects eagerly. “Most kind of him, I must say.”

The two captains exchange looks of despair. Every time Granby is foolish enough to believe that Iskierka’s schemes surely can’t become any more unbelievable, he is punished.

‘It could be worse’ or ‘well, at least _that_ didn’t happen’ are remarkably dangerous phrases around her. Granby is certain that basting himself in sauce, dressing as a cow and jumping out in front of Volatilus can’t be half as foolhardy as saying, ‘I do believe that we are past the worst’ whilst standing on the same continent as Iskierka. More so if she’s bored at the time.

Right now, Granby would pawn the crown jewels and his left testicle to find a dragon-sitting service and take himself off for a blissful holiday. Ha. Who is he fooling? Only the Corps are idiotic enough to bind themselves to these scaly maniacs.

Beside him, Laurence has only just found the words to speak. Words, anyway. Some words.

“You didn’t want to outlive us, so you had us _turned into vampires_?”

Temeraire nods eagerly. “I’m glad you’re coming around to the idea, Laurence. You are a most sensible captain.”

Laurence makes a strangled noise and falls over.

There is deathly silence until Roland’s bewildered voice comes floating across the pavilion. “Captain Laurence, why is Mr Tharkay glittering in the sun like that? Oh, wait, he’s running, why is he running away?”

Granby swings his head around to stare at the dragons in disbelief. Not a single shred of remorse between the two of them. It’s like living with giant talking cats who can breathe fire.

Iskierka looks entirely unconcerned. “I don’t see why you’re all always fussing over everything. When we were making enquiries, we naturally decided that of course you must be suitably resplendent. I cannot have my Granby seeming plain and dull. And you would both be down in the mouth if anything happened to Tharkay, so naturally we made arrangements for him too.”

Vampires. Vampires that glitter in the sunlight. Granby grabs Laurence by the collar and flees.  Tharkay is probably halfway to Siberia by now. If they’re fast enough, maybe they can join him.


End file.
